Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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