everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
