I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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