I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
