24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
