Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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