i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
