Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Still dying that you shit outside
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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