You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
