I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
