You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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