does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
