we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
