Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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