I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
