is your mom at the bar?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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