so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
