Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
no you cant smoke seaweed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
