and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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