Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize