After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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