I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
