i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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