Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I AM VODKA MAN
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up under a house in Key West
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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