we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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