at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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