Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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