you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
