I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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