it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
