we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
