Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
