i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
