youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
