I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
