i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
