Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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