Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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