You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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