so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
