After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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