Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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