Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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