I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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