I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
