I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
