There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
