Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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