I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
