That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
